I just want you to know that I am so deliriously happy that we are not together anymore. Of course, it could be my meds kicking in. Nah, I’m really happy.
First off, it was really shitty what you did. I mean, who the fuck breaks up Over EMAIL??? Grow the fuck up for god’s sake. Yeah I was hurt for like a week, but I got over it fast. Now I almost feel like I should thank you chicken shit ass for dumping me. It’s the biggest favor you ever did for me.
These are the REASONS WHY I’M GLAD WE’RE NOT TOGETHER, in no particular order of importance:
1. You are fucking OLD.old, old, old. I was 28. You will be 47. You were old emough to be my goddamn father. To give you your credit, you definitely look a lot younger than 47, but I wanna be the one to break it to you that you do not look as young as you think you do vain peter pan syndrome son of a bitch. You have a roadmap-like wrinkles at your eyes and creepy old-person neck and in the bright sunlight all your fucking wrinkles stand out like bright blinking neon.
2. You are going bald. Scratch that, you have ADVANCED HAIR LOSS. It happens. Why can’t you just accept it? You are not fooling anyone with the baseball cap. It looks even more obvious and lame that you try to hide it. You know what I’ve always wanted to tell you? SHAVE IT OFF!!!!!!! Let it go, embrace your baldness, shave the little hair that you cling to so tenaciously!!!!! Oh,and in case you didn’t know, I got a look up there and it’s starting to go on top too. Good god, I am so glad thatI’m not with your BADLY BALDING ass anymore. And just so you know, my new boyfriend is not only 17 years younger than you are, he has a FULL HEAD of GLORIOUS, SHINY, SILKY SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL HAIR.
3. LACK OF SEX. Thank fucking god that my eight month sex drought with you is OVER. I’ve come to two possible explanation for your lack of a sex drive:
a. You are OLD and therefore do not have the requisite testosterone to make you want sex.
b. You are GAY. If this is true, just accept it and come out of your admittedly nice fucking closet already. There is nothing WORSE then an OLD, REPRESSED HOMO.
In any case, I’m happy happy HAPPY that you no longer SEXUALLY DISAPPOINTINGME. Oh, and just so you know, my new boyfriend fucks me all night long and mekes me cum over and over and OVER again.
4. Your taste in t.v. shows and movies SUCK BIG DONKEY DICK. I can’t believe I watched all that banal crap with you. I must have really loved you. But HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHAHAH I never have to watch any of that crap again. I HATE STARGATE. It is fucking lame. I HATE CHEATERS. It is super stupid too. And I especially HATE the APPRENTICE.
5. YOU SHIT SEVEN TIMES A DAY. And each time it takes you an HOUR. My god, how is it possible a human being can shit so fucking much??????it can’t be healthy. And it’s even more gross how much you enjoy it and broadcast to anyone who will listen that you just took a shit or need to take a shit. You are SHIT OBSESSED. Come to think of it, you are a SHITHEAD.
6. YOU ARE SO FUCKING, INCREDIBLY, UNBELIEVABLY VAIN. And, yes, you know this song is about you. AND YOU ARE NOT EVEN GOOD LOOKING. The two things you have physically going for you are your height and your blue eyes. Other then that, you are just ok, at best. In fact, I thought you were distinctly unattractive when I first met you. I’m grateful I no longer have to be the one to reassure you and (lie) tell you how young and studly you look.
7. YOUR MYSTIC TAN ADDISCTION IS LAME. It does not look natural. You look orange. You look like a big, balding ORANGE mook.
8. YOU DYE YOUR EYELASHES. Good god. You are soooooo narcissistic. In fact, you are more of a fucking girl than I am. You know the worst part? You fucked it up? Just pay to have it professionally donefor christsake!
9. YOUR COLOGNE IS GAY. It makes you smell like a sailor on shore leave. It should be called “eau de old cheesy rich man that thinks he’s sauve and crazysexycool”. Who the fuck buys cologne called “SEXUAL”, anyway? What are you, a porn producer?
You know what I really, really, REALLY REGRET?????? That I didn’t use you like all of your other gold digging girlfriends. I actually loved you and didn’t want you to buy me anything. I could just kick myself for being so stupid. I should’ve abused the shit out of your black card when I had the chance.
But anyway. Despite all of your SERIOUS FLAWS, I know you won’t have a problem finding another good looking girlfriend. Thank god you are rich and there are a lot of gold diggers in L.A. you’ll be absolutely fine.